Cause of death: doing a gentle twist to the right
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*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.
I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
Types of Amazon reviews:
9,700 people: 5/5 stars. great toaster for the price!
283 people: 3/5 stars. decent toaster but can get stuck
5 people: 1/5 stars. awful quality, I ran it over with my truck and it broke
1 person: 0/5 stars. useless, I was trying to buy a blender
If I remove any clothing at all, the man thinks it’s sexy time, so now I just step into the shower fully dressed.
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]
Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32
Me: shit
[Congress]
MARK ZUCKERBERG: if you do not harvest your crops in a timely manner on Farmville they will die, I cannot stress this enough
One cake enters. No cake leaves.
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.
Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.
Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.
why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free
Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.
Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
A dead goose is called a ghoost
Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”
Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Look at this Back to School Countdown Calendar I’ve created. EVERYBODY GETS ONE!
Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.
under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”
if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔
“Instruction manuals are for amateurs,” I proclaim, just prior to assembling the item in such a way that not even the manufacturer would recognize it
[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!
[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also
Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses
Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?Heifer *chewing cud*
NoTeacher: Swallow it again then.