@jessokfine

Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag

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@PinkCamoTO

*looks at calendar*

*looks at stomach*

*looks at calendar*

Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.

@TheBossyBlonde

If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.

@WilliamRodgers

Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.

@hipstermermaid

I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.

@ericsshadow

As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.

@mommajessiec

Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!

Me: Oh, that is so sweet-

K: *pull out paint*

Me: You really don’t-

K: *pull out glue*

Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-

K: *pull out glitter*

Me: Christmas is cancelled.

@NickC46

People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.

@desusnice

someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really