Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag
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Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.
I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.
It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t
Wanted:
1 Psychic.You know who you are.
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
fish:
eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you
*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
I’m not average. I’m mean.
Me: Don’t look at me that way. Everyone pees in the shower.
Her: Yes. Most people have the shower running.
M:
H: Please leave Home Depot.
My daughter got a sticker from her teacher that said ‘resilient tortoise.’
I’ve sent her in with one to give in return, ‘patronizing hippo.’
ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences
WARDEN: no
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor
If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it
If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
“What do you get if you cross a monkey and a lion?”
I glance nervously over to the basement door, afraid she’s seen something she shouldn’t.
If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.
And live by myself.
Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale
I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”
Everybody at this Home Depot is getting hurricane supplies except this one woman is buying the 12 foot skeleton
Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows
Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.
I cannot picture a single instance where I’d be scared of a zombie called “Rob”
What’s he gonna do? Show up uninvited to brunch and make us wonder if he’ll be rude to the server again?
Ok fella, maybe you can scare me into buying your over priced insurance policies this time.
As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like “damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler”
The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.
Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”
Prince: Rapunzel, let down your hair.
Rapunzel: Hair, you’ll never be beautiful, you’ll always have split ends.
*hair is super let down*
If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.
Him: *hands me glass of clear liquid* Is this glass half full or half empty?
Me: Is that water or vodka?
Him: Vodka.
Me: Empty.