Cause of death: Zumba
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Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.
girls on tinder will say “your parents will love me but your neighbors won’t” like what are you gonna do? start mowing at 7am on a saturday??
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low
i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.
The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
“you recording!?”
Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.
Wife: Why is the dog limping?
Me: *uncomfortable pause*
Wife: Well?
Me: Uncomfortable paws?
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 living in the year 2021looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.
After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.
*Googles: pet raccoons
“Raccoons are wild animals. Keeping raccoons is ILLEGAL in…”
*scrolls
“What to Expect From Your Pet Raccoon!”
*clicks
Once someone broke into my car and didn’t steal anything – not my leather jacket or any of my CDs, and I have never felt more judged.
“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
5yo: Why is he crying?
Me: That’s a teardrop tattoo.
5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison?
M: What?
5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.
I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.
MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW
I have nothing positive to report.
Except that roadside drug test.