Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake their soda
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I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.
After seeing my share of people’s ultrasound pictures I’m convinced that they just give everyone the same one.
School be like
Why isn’t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.
yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.
“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.
Me: I never use essential oils
Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
*holds seashell to ear*
[ocean sounds]
[ocean sounds]
[“Remember to click ‘subscribe’ & to rate & leave a com-]
*throws shell into the sea*
Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.
It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.
[climbing inside trojan horse]
general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!
The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.
Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.
[Bedroom at midnight]
*scary noises*
Husband: is… is someone in here?
*demonic sounds from the closet*
Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore
*sad demonic noises*
“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.
I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.
*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get
Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture[later]
Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt
One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
Me: *buying one beer, one carrot, one potatoe & one steak*
Cashier: you must be single?
Me: yes, lol. How did you know?
Cashier: you’re ugly.
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.
I wish I were a Jedi.
I don’t want to use the Force or anything.
I just want to hang out in my bathrobe all day.
I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.