Causes of childhood anxiety:
4% Bullying
9% Inability to puncture a Capri Sun pouch
87% Musical Chairs
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[friend at his party] I think we’re just gonna keep spotify on for awhile
[me with a harmonica imprint in my pocket] cool my lips hurt anyway
There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
*Toddler throws sock on floor and bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
Toddler: Because someone took my sock
Me: No one took your sock!
Toddler: Then where is it?!
Me: It’s right there on the floor next to my sanity
I wanna know why it’s embarrassing for me to talk to my kid when he’s gaming. Like bro, they know you don’t live alone.
Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised
This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am
sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests
Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.
Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business
[wedding day]
fiancé: I shouldn’t have let you pick the photographer
me: but he’s my best friend
[our dog trots up wearing a go pro]
would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this
me: I always sleep naked
flight attendant: no
The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is mississippi
pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p
judge: im sorry you’re missing an i
pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.
It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
Never feel more attractive than when my picture of cornbread gets almost as many likes as my selfie. “She’s ok, but she’s no cornbread.”
Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.
Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.
I’m the guy who paints the murals of Venice and other Italian cities on the wall of every pizzeria in the tristate area and I know grapes aren’t that big man I just love grapes ok
This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely
My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.
So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.
i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.
Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”