Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I’m pretty sure I just died, but this place looks exactly like my office

Satan: yeah, welcome to hell

Me: well, I guess it could be worse

Satan: I also signed you up to be on the party planning committee

Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO

True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.

*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!

Downside: the pandemic rages on.

Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet

If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.

Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs

(Person choking)

Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?

*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”

I took my kids to the playground and now they want me to push them on the swings. Jesus Christ, haven’t I done enough?

Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE

FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.

Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.

*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest

Scott Baio: i’m Scott Baio and i endorse Donald Trump
Trump: who the hell is Scott Baio
Scott Baio: you know, Chachi
Trump: say Chachi then

stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him

so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face

*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*

ME: *walks by to put anything away*

WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there

I’m just a girl

Hiding under a bed

Hoping his wife leaves soon

Again

A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.

I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.

If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.

Me: Mum was I adopted?

Mum: Yes, but they gave you back

My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband

“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.

My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine

For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.

my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.

Our 10 year old keeps asking me for his first mobile phone and every time he does I ask him ‘who you gonna call?’ and until he answers me correctly he sure as shit isn’t getting one

Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.