CAUTION : THE ROADS ARE SO DANGEROUS RIGHT NOW UNLESS YOU WANNA GO GET ME SOME BAGELS, THEN THEY ARE FINE
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I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.
Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.
son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
*school reunion*
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm
Principal: about your son…
Dad: our son?
Mom: is he ok??
Principal: yes, yes. but you see, we’ve found that your son is cool. very cool. far too cool to have parents like you. [hits the intercom] Betty, please bring them in.
[Betty enters with cooler parents]
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.
At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.
23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.
[working in garage]
“Hand me a screwdriver, son”
A flat one?
“No”
[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.
[interview]
What’s your greatest weakness?
ME: Probably avoiding tough questions
Can you elaborate on that?
ME: Oh hey look at the time!
one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
*exorcism*
DEMON: *roars*
PRIEST: we must restrain him!
WIFE: *opens drawer* here! *tosses fuzzy pink handcuffs*
PRIEST: …
DEMON: hey now
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.
#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes
The next time there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”
Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!