[Cave, present day]
Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible![Cave, thousands of years ago]
Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!
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Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.
Nobody:
Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this
oh my god
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blo…
Nope, just peed the bed again
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They’re from my boyfriend. Now I’m going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don’t you have a vase?
Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad
channeling her this year
Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.
[static]
MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY
INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?
ME: How do I access the WIFI?
INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job
ME: Is that all capital?
Interviewer: So you say you think you’d make a good addition here at our aquarium. Can you expand on that?
Puffer fish: Yes. Yes I can
The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕
ME: I would like a complaint form
ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left
ME: I would like two complaint forms
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
One of my favourite summer activities is to pretend I don’t know what a motorcycle is. It seems to sting worse because I’m a heavily tattooed blonde woman. I like to keep saying ‘it sounds like you’re describing a bicycle?’
16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.
She’s bardcore.
I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.
Shame, he’s very attractive.
What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?
I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.
I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.
You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.
All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.