[CAVE]
BABY DRAGON: Dad, I hate trolls! They are disgusting, evil creatures!
DAD DRAGON: Just push them aside and eat your vegetables son.
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[petting zoo]
ME: *still petting the penguin*
DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.
Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.
A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.
*first day as a firefighter*
I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire
Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**
8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real
*steps out of time machine*
SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?
ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…
Hi, it’s me, your housebound friend. Since I have years of experience at this, and you lot seem to be out of ideas already, I will be providing you with daily suggestions of ways in which to entertain yourselves at home. Ready?
March 16th: Teach the cat a conjuring spell.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.
Being a parent to a preteen daughter is fun bc sometimes they’re mad at you for not letting them get a phone but other times they’re even more mad at you for not…[checks notes]…letting them get a pet venomous snake
Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.
Given the memory span of a goldfish…
[starbucks]
One tall iced latte please
“Ok, can I have a name?”
Well ok but it really should come from your parents
fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
[Busy Diner]
Waitress carrying 4 plates: “OK now, honey. Who was eggs?”
Me (highly educated): “In a sense…” (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) ”…Barbara. All of us were once eggs.”
#SometimesForFun I update signs at work
Exhausted Parent PSA-
The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot
“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing
Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.
Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
My ex from highschool followed my new dog’s Instagram account and dm’ed her “I don’t like your mom” LMAO IM DYING