CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History
CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?
CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour
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My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”
F Bombs for everyone! 😃
PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!
My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?
Me: Yeah, in a minute
4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer
Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.– Why they wear masks
Me, dating.
Him: Hi Wendy. I’m really excited to find out all about you.
Me: Why? Who have you been talking to?
At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.
[Confession]
“I killed a man”
“Wait what”
“Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?”
4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me:
4: Mom???
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!
What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
Them: you’re 30 and still living with your parents!?!
Me, visibly perplexed: WHO’S PARENTS AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THEN!!?!
absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans
They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff
WHY ARE WE ALLOCATING EMERGENCY AID FOR THE ARTS?
Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!
[prison]
PRISONER: what’s for breakfast
GUARD: every meal is bread & water
PRISONER: [is a duck] oh baby
This has made my week.
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁
I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.
Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*
6yo: Oh no.
Introducing new iPhone 5 features:
– Patented Ultrablack color technology.
– Siri is less of a cunt.
– Contains 1 mg of Steve Jobs’ ashes.