Caveman: I have discovered fire
Village: yayyyyy
Caveman: it’s burning all our stuff
Village: booooo
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Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!
ME: Grandma?
gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie
FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the name of the woods where robin hood hid out with his merry men?
BUBBA: sherwood forest
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the n
“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband
Her: What are you thinking about right now?
Me: If I was an eel I’d have a little fish that lived in my mouth and I’d never need to floss
Watching a movie and this guy just shoved three dead bodies into a trunk and all I could think was, “That’s some serious storage. What kind of car is that?”
So my question to you is, do I have to start wearing New Balance and cargo shorts now?
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
Me: who is your favourite spice girl?
Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man
wife: I saw a baby on the way to work
me: how do you know?
wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?
me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?
wife: what
i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island
I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?
Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs
[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
Lock eyes with woman across the bar. Entire life flashes before my eyes. Courtship. Wedding. Marriage. Kids. 2 boys. Promising athletes. Bigger stronger than everyone. NFL dreams. Puberty. They stop growing. 5’9. Division 3. I snap out of it and hide in the bathroom for 2 hours
My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks
i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”
Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.
If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.
I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.
Husband: …
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*
I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”