Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’
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Therapist: How are you feeling
Me: I think I’ve finally gotten over my agoraphobia. I’m ready to go outside and get on with my life 🙂
Therapist: Ok you’re not gonna believe this
when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free
what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night
I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”
My brother dropped my MacBook and the screen got slightly cracked, so I’m giving it away for free if anyone’s interested
Specifications:
Age : 11
Weight : 25Kgs
Healthy so far.
Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.
dentist: have you been flossing?
me: yes 🙂
dentist: your mouth?
me: no 🙁
Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
amazon: your order has been placed
me: great thanks
amazon: your order is being prepared
me: cool
amazon: your order is being put in the truck
me: it’s ok i don’t need an update on every step
amazon: the driver just buckled his seatbelt
If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.
Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage
[aliens observing earth]
ALIEN 1: Did all of their clocks just move ahead an hour?
ALIEN 2: Looks like it, yeah
ALIEN 1: Bunch of idiots
CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.
A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, “Which one’s yours?”
I replied, “None of them… yet.”
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
You didn’t, the brakes did.
Cop: But do you know why?
Cuz I pressed the pedal with my foot?
Cop: Get out.
I woke up this morning feeling ever so confident that today was the day I would commit myself to physical fitness.
Right after I finish this bacon, egg, and cheese McGriddle.
Me: You’re going to daycare today
3: Okay
Me: We’re almost at daycare
3: Okay
Me: We’re at daycare
3: *bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
3: I didn’t know I was going to daycare
Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too?
Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
#slapped
gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire
If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.
*middle of a 6 hour road trip,
One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”
Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.