CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces
Wife: I don’t meet these criteria
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Travel experts recommend carrying a second dummy wallet when visiting high crime areas, but I carry a third wallet as well. If a mugger approaches I start an elaborate game of 3-card Monte. “Where’s the money?” I ask. “Wrong!” There is none, I’m broke from buying a third wallet.
Passer-by: hey buddy, do you have change for the phonebox?
Clark Kent: why would I change in a phonebox?
P: I didnt-
CK: I’m not Superman
Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
Phone
Me: *rushed* I’ll be there but I need to get the chocolate rice crispies cereal out of my hair first
Person: How…
Me: I don’t want to talk about it
*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?Husband: GET UP!
It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..
Scientist: we’re approaching a critical mass
Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?
Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you
Scientist: too late
RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
[peeing behind a tree]
bonsai artist: I have restrooms
My 6yo spread peanut butter all over the floor outside my bedroom as an April Fools prank.
Is there an age limit for being able to drop a kid off at the fire station with no questions asked?
No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
Give a man a fish and he’ll say “Sir put that back in the tank.” Teach a man to fish and he’ll say “ok pal, it’s time you left the aquarium”
I keep calling one of my soccer players by the wrong name but in my defense I’ve only been coaching the team for a month and I’m her mother.
One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.
acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
How to care for cast iron properly:
1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.
I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.
May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]
Unexpected Judgment
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!
I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.