cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
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Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No
Pretty upsetting that during such a time of pandemic, some people are refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I
Guy: [pulls out knife]
Me: But I’m allergic to stainless steel
Guy: [stabs me]
Me: Noooo I’ll get a rash
I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
I have a pun about carpentry.
but Im not sure if it woodwork…
The craziest moment in my life was when my daughter was born. The second craziest was when they made us leave the hospital with her two days later, like we knew what we were doing
Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.
My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
[Space]
No one: I can hear screaming
My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.
My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally
Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
*cough*
When you make the mistake of leaving a big cozy pillow on the cat’s favorite chair, that pillow is gone daddy gone.
Kids be like “Hey can you decorate outside my room for my birthday tomorrow like you did last year? But make it a surprise.”
“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags
Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
DR: Good news and bad news
LADY: What’s the bad news
DR: Your husbands dead
LADY: *crying* Oh my god
DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is