CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
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DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son
I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.
tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.
Hello My Friends…
Travel this week will keep me busy. So, No I’m not ignoring you while I dance with cats. Patience please.
“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭
It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.
This morning in my local coffee shop.
Customer: “A large mug with four shots of espresso and the rest filled with milk, please.”
Barista: “Are you sure? That’s a latte coffee!”
#EspressoDay #WednesdayThought #RubbishJokes
Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
being a parent can be really hard but one day your kid will do something simple like bring you breakfast in bed and in that moment you’ll know in your heart that you have to go and clean the kitchen
One thing they teach in nursing school is when your patient is being questioned by police, to step in with “that’s enough for today, he needs to rest” right after he gives a key piece of information, but one sentence short of him telling the whole story.
Mornin
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.
*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.
“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”
~me, never
Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket
Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.
Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head
Me, to all my kids before the age of 2.
“No screens allowed.”
On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad.
“This is your mother now.”
Cleaned bathroom sink half hour ago. Then trimmed mustache over sink. Oh … That’s what all those women I lived with were complaining about.
You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3
I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”