CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator
You Might Also Like
Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic
When a possum plays dead he’s “smart” and “instinctual” but when I do it, it’s all “what’s wrong with you” and “crime scene investigators are at the door.”
We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist
Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”M: Did NOT see that coming
My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.
Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.
Have you ever felt like something was touching your face at night? Don’t you worry. It’s just a MOTH, DRINKING YOUR TEARS WHILE YOU SLEEP.
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
[dog dies in a movie]
Me: *crying*[human dies in a movie]
Me: *crying* why did they have to kill that dog earlier
All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.
When a new bird species visits your bird feeder
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
Me: I’m hard at work
HR: this is why you’re fired
I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair
Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]
Thinking about the time a guy gave me a literal book of questions that he had answered about himself as a gift, and then didn’t ask me a single one.
[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther
what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes
what my dog hears: goodbye forever
Them: We should go for a walk in the park
Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?
Them:
Me: Oh right, exercise
I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game
Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
WIFE: *all cute* you wanna make me French toast?
ME: *not looking up from my phone* I would never make you kiss anything you didn’t want to, Sharon.
high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
I didn’t know why the doctor prescribed me mushrooms for my constipation until I saw the dragon and shat myself.
#RubbishJokes #Puns #DoctorJokes
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A REALLY FAST CAR TO DRIVE PAST!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
NNNEYOWWWWWwwwww…