CDC: You can take your mask off if you’re fully vaccinated
AMATEUR VENTRILOQUIST: Goddammit
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Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.
Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?
My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I’m going to have to get rid of her. At least I’ll have my cat to comfort me.
The single most HARDEST thing about being an immigrant in the US is knowing that regardless of my sacrifices, my beliefs or the beauty in my soul, I, too, may one day be allergic to gluten
I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.
The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
[Being followed on my morning run]
Me: Leave me alone!
Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe
A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants
He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.
Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”
i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE
me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?
No one lays down beats like Gaston, fills the seats like Gaston, when on Twitter nobody tweets like Gaston.
Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.
Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.
me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]
the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful
me: it can be
me: how can I impress your dad?
gf: he’s really into cars
me: ok
[later]
her dad: nice to meet youme: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”
Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99
Me: I had to take your hamster back to the shop
Son: Why
[nervous because I accidentally ran him over with a lawnmower]
Me: He’s a racist
Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters
ME: [first day as an NFL head coach] What position do you play no. 26
HIM: I’m a running back.
ME: LOL, ok Mario, in my team we run forward.