Celebrating a year since my bike got stolen and the wee boy put it on FB marketplace that evening and I stole it back the next day.
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[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.
Another interesting #factupdates post!
Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce
Her: the what?
Me: the Westminster Shore sauce
Her: are you having a stroke?
Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce
Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-
Me: the Willmington Scone sauce
Her: please, it’s getting worse
Me: the Wank-
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”
Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now
Renewed my membership this morning
I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast
I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.
Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
ME: so what do you do for a living
HER: I work for a moving company
ME: where is it today?
My youngest called a family meeting. She wants to vote to get rid of her dog because she had to clean up a few messes it made. My sons voted to remove her. I’m starting to like this idea of family american idol
My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.
I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.
Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.
Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”
She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.
My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.
If I’m a vampire, I’m going into the ocean to search for Bikini Bottom. I don’t need air and there’s no sunlight? Let’s go.
Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
Him: this pie is delicious! Is it a family recipe?
Me: yes, and you’ll never guess the secret weapon
Him: you mean secret ingredient?
*catapult launching sound*
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
“OK men, spread out.”
“Oat?”
“What?”
“Spread oats?”
“Spread out.”
“One oat?”
“Dammit.”
Why US/Canada joint military exercises don’t work.
Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠
Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition:
ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.