Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.
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7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
[1 AM]
BRAIN: Let’s play the insomnia game.
ME: Nope. *downs NyQuil*
BRAIN: How dare you…
ME: *drifts off*
BRAIN: Begin diarrhea subroutine!
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…
ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.
“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost
[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]
We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.
You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.
The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.
*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
I remember when you could order a sandwich without having to identify all the traffic lights first
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.
Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.
[Dark alley at midnight]
*Knife-wielding punk approaches
Me: “Don’t make me do something I might regret…”
*Punk sneers & raises knife
*I phone up and propose to my married high-school girlfriend
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”
*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge
“This is the wrong video”
“No this is right”
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
Why is it that in horror movies, no matter how many times I shout at the screen, the characters never seem to listen? I’m trying to save you idiots!
Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend