Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
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They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
Peppa pig = spicy bacon
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy
Single in your 20s: help your friends move
Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends
what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones
Me: My doctor says I need urgent surgery.
Friend: Oh my god! I’m so sorry. What kind?
Me: Cosmetic.
I’ve been deep cleaning my house, so far I’ve removed 2,547 rocks 6,872 leaves and 4,925 sticks from my kid’s rooms.
#Caturday
Me- “Sorry I can’t”
Friend- “Why not?”
M- “Working on my book”
F- “Neato! What about?”
M- “It’s a collection of ways to escape obligations”
My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.
YES
YES
YES
YES
YES
-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”
“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”
-me as a babysitter
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing
my proudest tweet
[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK
REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house
Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?
Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong
Personal Trainer: Anything else?
Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps
You know when two cops park their cars facing opposite directions so they can talk to each other through their driver-side windows? That’s called a 6-9-1-1.
All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake