Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island
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Me: So if I call Canada it’s billed as international?
Phone rep: Yes. Cuz Canada is a country.
Me: You should hear how ridiculous you sound.
Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!
Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes
Cop: The fashion police
Me *kicking my crocs off* shit
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]
Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade
3 years ago today I signed up for Twitter. Since then, I’ve walked into 8 light poles, stepped on 5 cats and looked up from my phone twice.
My parents are replacing a toilet in the house I grew up in, so now it’s just some potty that I used to know.
Thanks for following.
My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?
Me: That’s an oddly specific question.
4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.
This bottle of vodka was on sale.
So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.
[at deli]
me: I’ll take a platonic male friend that doesn’t treat me like their manic pixie therapistlady: we have cole slaw
me: ok
Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”
Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie
Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham
Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.
Woman: I’m a penguin.
Therapist: No, I meant lie down.
Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.
Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
WHAT DO WE WANT!!!
A cure for hangovers
WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!
Please stop yelling
*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes
We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-