Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island
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I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
Her: What are you doing this weekend?
Me [getting ready to jump off the roof with an umbrella]: Science stuff
I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals
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So inspired right now.
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DAD: please help find my daughter
DETECTIVE: what does she look like
DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW
I noticed the trim on one of our garage doors was hanging weirdly. I figured no big deal as these are pretty old garage doors so I started to fix it…
5 yo: Mommy did that.
Me: Did what?
5 yo: She hit that with her car.
Me: Wow bro. Sold out your own mother.
It’s ok that I have not found my soulmate yet. Half of the married people here have not either
Them: Holy shit. How high are you?
Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.
DATE: oh u have an eyelash on ur cheek [picks it up] make a wish
ME (under my breath): i wish u wouldn’t touch my property
[Star Wars Episode VII scene]
Princess Leia: I love you Han.
Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*
*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?
Please do it!
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5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”
Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”
5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”
[christmas]
BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!
ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
girls on tinder will say “your parents will love me but your neighbors won’t” like what are you gonna do? start mowing at 7am on a saturday??
The irony of my 12-year-old son pointing out that there is a spot on his cutlery while he hasn’t showered in a week is delicious.
Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
I told 14 to put the towels from the washer to the dryer 4 hours ago. I asked an hour ago if he did and he said yes.
He never turned the dryer on. I guess that shit’s on me for not specifying.
In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real
“my dad works at Nintendo”
“No he doesn’t ur such a liar”
*Donkey Kong walks in & takes off his hat & coat*
“Hey sport, good day at school?”
Her: OMG! You didn’t feed my cat while I was away?
Me: Do you remember that time you didn’t harvest my crops on FarmVille? Now we’re even.
Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning
Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.