Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”
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Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.
I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…
every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*
“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers
my 5 year-old son just threw his Peppa pig doll down a flight of stairs. While staring over her mangled body, he said “Awww..Peppa we have to be careful next time” and I think I am raising Kathy Bates from Misery
Everybody thinks I’m wearing this barrel as some sort of old timey commentary on poverty and capitalism. But really, some dick sorcerer turned my torso into a barrel of gunpowder so I’m headed over to their house with a box of matches to make them regret it.
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!
Me: I’ve never played football but I have been clotheslined by a telephone cord.
My kids: What’s a telephone cord?
You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago
One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
Lucky for them, they’re cute
“If you could read my mind, love…”
– Gordon Lightfoot“Why the hell would think I’d want that for Christmas?!?”
– my wifeSame
there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
A robin just had chicks in a nest above our garage. Today, her babies were chirping and she just sat on them, and I’m wondering if I can use this method when my kids keep asking for snacks.
i wasn’t in favor of banning tiktok until i found out there is a part of it called “watertok” where people share “water recipes”. what do you mean water recipes. all you need is cold water. it’s a tasty treat
The only thing between me & a killing spree is the fact that I’d have to poop in front of people in prison.
If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.
me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.
On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore
[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.
Got stuck behind a car with the number plate: G4ND4LF earlier.
Don’t know who it was, but he wouldn’t let me pass.
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.
I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?