@deloisivete Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
@JennyJohnsonHi5 Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”
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@deloisivete 
@mommajessiec It didn’t intend to write my 7-year-old’s school paper for him but I thought it was best for both of us I take over when he asked me how to spell serial killer.
@shutupmikeginn Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar
@jonnysun *wakes up before alarm goes off*
please be 5am please be 5am
*checks time*
2:34pm, februrary 25, 2054. NOOOOOOOOO
@mom_needsalife 7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.
@ilovepie84 Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
@Storminika Strangers have the best candy.
@djdarrellripley Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
@trevso_electric 
@rebrafsim Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?
Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with