Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”

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Hey, want to be best friends again?

-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened


It didn’t intend to write my 7-year-old’s school paper for him but I thought it was best for both of us I take over when he asked me how to spell serial killer.


Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar


*wakes up before alarm goes off*
please be 5am please be 5am
*checks time*
2:34pm, februrary 25, 2054. NOOOOOOOOO


7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.

7:15AM – Dammit.


Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.


Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?

Me: What a beautiful language…


Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?

Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with