Celine Dion: all by myself
CDC: good
CD: don’t wanna be, all by myself
CDC: sorry but them’s the rules
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DATE: so what kind of writing do you do?
ME: um, cursive, regular…
DATE: no I mean-
ME: actually I can’t do cursive :/
One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.
They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer
I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
Big brouhaha at the farmer’s market today when the fishstand guy set up next to the candle lady and no one could smell her candles and her boyfriend the homemade soap guy tried to intervene but ended up buying a fresh cut salmon.
Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.
What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”
When a cop asks if I know why they pulled me over, I worry I’ll confess to a crime spree. That’s crazy tho, so I laugh and say, ‘probably because I let you’.
My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones
Me: I’d like a neck tattoo
Tattoo artist: okay, of what?
Me: I just told you
Tattoo artist:
Me: on my forearm
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
[COP] license and registration please
[ME] sure thing
°opens glovebox°
°slowly pulls out middle finger°
Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.
It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.
Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them
My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?
I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.
<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.
May I pay you handsomely, good sir?
-Why yes you may.
*opens wallet*
*pulls out Ryan Gosling*
Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
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Me: Remember how you said childbirth felt like the worst pain I could think of, multiplied by a hundred?
Wife: Yes
Me: My mom gave away a hundred of my Pokémon cards
Wife:
Me: *crying* I get it now, babe
I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.
Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?
Me: I wanted to watch it again.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.
The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us
My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs
I’m close to breaking this whole thing wide open
This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on