Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff
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I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
Me: somebody stole my stapler
HR: you’re working from home
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
my wife and i went furniture shopping this weekend and one couch just shouted “take me home” at us, so we left because nobody needs a talking couch
Breaking News: Scientists clone a new hybrid cantalope and cauliflower. “We call it the melon-cauli,” says Dr. Noah Lot of OMG I’m so sorry
Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”
Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz
Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it
Dorothy: [inhaling]
Toto: FFS
Yes, Kiddo drank her carrot juice, if by “drank,” we mean surreptitiously pouring it into my Boston fern.
OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.
This is going to be a meme FOREVER:
I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.
I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short”
She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me”
Dear Captchas,
I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.
me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*
[20 minutes later]
me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us
Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.That explains why they date women
half their age.
Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of
Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY
Me: I cleaned under the fridge and there were a bunch of Honey Nut Cheerios
Wife: How do you know they weren’t regular Cheerios???
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: *drinks water*
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.