Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
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911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment.
Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.
No Shave November
No Deodorant December
Lose Your Job January
Forget To Pay Rent February
Move in With Mom and Dad March
My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
Me: Now remember, just let me do all the talking.
Wife:
Marriage counselor:
Me: I think we’ve made a lot of progress here today.
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
Do you think if I jump I’ll glide down?
-My 5yo, standing on the counter holding an umbrella, about to learn an important physics lesson
My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward
Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.
Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything
[blind date]
HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato
ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it
My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
Boss:my office, now!
Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter
B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint
M:Oh thank God!
If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes
[ER]
ME: [scared] well?
DOCTOR: ur ok
M: so it was just a dream
D: o no ur body is filled with lizards but ur system is accepting them