Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
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I’d grill your cheese.
~me, flirting
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
FRIENDLY REMINDER: Frankenberry is not the cereal. He’s the guy who CREATED the cereal. The cereal is his monster.
This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.
Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.
If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.
Son: “I don’t have any clean underwear.”
Me: “Have you checked your bedroom floor?”
Son: “Yeah. All those are dirty.”
Me: ……..
Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
Pilot: There’s a loose…
Engineer: Tape.
P: And some rivets hav…
E: Tape.
P: Also signs of metal fatigu…
E: Tape.
P: And a panel is missi…
E: Tape.
P: Hydraulic failu…
E: Tape.
P: Th…
E: Tape.
P:
E: Tape.
I’m not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don’t give them lunch or breakfast
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
Mysteries of #Interstellar: Gotta tell you. Mars (right next door) looks waay safer than those new planets they travelled to.
inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause
Croquettes are not female crocodiles
[showing my 4yo a Slinky]
me: look, it’s walking down the stairs
kid: what else can it do
me: literally nothing
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.
Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.
My doctor says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.
Apparently, you can’t do it in Starbucks.
And now the cops are here…..
I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.
[1st date]
HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?
ME: OMG SAME
HER: What part’s ur fave?
ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.