Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
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u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question
Me: (goes back in time to kill baby Hitler)
Hitler: Goo goo ga ga
Me: I can’t do it(goes ahead in time to when he’s a teenager)
Hitler: Nice haircut granddad
Me: *cocks gun*
I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”
???????????????????????
Jesus: a 13th disciple? I don’t recall having seen you before, my friend
Disciple: I’m not a duck disguised as a man, if that’s what you’re thinking. Now tell me more about your body being made of bread
Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.
Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?
Me, joking: Nah, I’m allergic to shapes
Mom, serious: It doesn’t look like you’re allergic to round
My boyfriend has no mental illness and it’s the weirdest shit. You know what he does when he’s tired? Goes to bed. When he’s hungry? Eats a snack. When he’s drunk? Stops drinking. I don’t get it.
My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.
[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap
“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
ME: I could use an espresso to sober up a bit, do you want anything from this Starbucks?
DRIVING TEST INSTRUCTOR: no
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..
You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…
Venn
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?
Teens – Slay all day
20s – Rosé all day
30s – Bidet all day
40s – Bengay all day
I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!
The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.
[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.
My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.
Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.
My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”