cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
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For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted?
ME: Yup.
FRIEND: Really? By who?
WIFE: [from kitchen] YOU LOADED THE DISHWASHER WRONG.
ME: The ghost of my mother.
[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real
Found something new to say when I leave a room.
My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again
Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.
What do you do when you’re soul searching and can’t find one?
HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?
Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes
Therapist: So around what, five?
Me: Seven this morning
My good friend has been fired because he slept with one of his patients. After 7 years of medical school, what a waste of time, effort, training & money. This just goes to show one mistake can ruin your life. It’s sad for him.
He is a great guy & was a brilliant veterinarian.
The chaotic energy of the dude at my gym who just chugged a Monster energy drink before walking into a yoga class is the same energy I’m trying to channel this year.
Why would I want to fund a crowd?
8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.
Me: You were only at school for two days.
8: You weren’t there.
I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.
my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…
I’m just your average mom, trying to convince my kids that 4:45pm is indeed their bedtime, because I’ve had enough of their shit for one day
[Me using a ouija board]
-Where are you communicating from?
T A S M A N I A
-Oh shit we called the wrong devils
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.
‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’
‘Woody?’
‘Not quite that excited.’
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it
*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.
London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse