Cellmate: what did you do?
Me: robbed a bank.
Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?
Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.
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me: I’m in a terrible mood
friend: try drinking some water
me: how dare you my emotions are real and can’t be placated
[immediately after drinking water]
me: okay obviously the water didn’t do anything but I think while drinking I took time to reflect and feel better
Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me
[visiting hours at prison]
BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?
BEAR: I miss the woods.
BW: The tranquility?
BEAR: No, I really need a shit.
Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it
*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest
House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
Decided don’t want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.
*bakes 12 cookies*
*waits for family to come home*
*eats 12*
*family arrives*
5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”
“Weird! Here’s a salad.”
Sometimes you have to put your phone down and take a look at what’s around you..
And wonder how you drove your car into a swimming pool.
my date last night:
– tried really hard to get me to go home with him
– accidentally spilled his milkshake in my car
– left me to clean it up
– texted me this morning that he’s getting back together with his exdating is fun, you guys
#katesdates
[first day as furniture salesman]
Guy [inspecting bed]: nice, solid frame. Who makes it?
Me: you or your wife. Whoever gets up last really
*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”
[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family
I ejected a usb drive unsafely back in 2008 and it’s been growing ever since. I can’t open the door to my office anymore. My assistant was still in there I’m so sorry Bert
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
I don’t want a sugar daddy but maybe like a sugar buddy. I just hit him up like “Hey how are you today?” and he replies “Doing great thanks for asking here’s $7,000. “
*explosion walks away from me in slow motion
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice
[restaurant]
me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*
So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!
Me, in my teens: *tries a new hobby*
Me, in my 20s: *tries a new career*
Me, in my 30s: *tries a new burner on my stove*
FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.
Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.
Me: [to my sister] Oh yeah? If I’m not mom’s favorite, then why am I the only one she ever asks to housesit when she takes everyone on vacation each summer?