Cellmate: what did you do?
Me: robbed a bank.
Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?
Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.
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I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
A completely valid reaction tbh
this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
Gravestone inscription “Hey guys, I’m going to be taking a little break from social media”
My G.F. has a pair of ‘meatloaf’ panties.
On the front, it says ‘I would do anything for love’
On the back it says ‘but I wont do that.’
ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
Someone posted this in and I can’t stop laughing.
Uh oh 👀
The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.
I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*
*getting murdered* omg stop you can get in a lot of trouble for this.
“why is all our cereal stale?!?!”
my 9 yo says as he puts away the clearly wide open cereal box back in the pantry.
Tis the season where I eat and drink everything in sight and am then shocked and dismayed when my pants are too tight.
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
My oldest kid had a little art show this morning, and not to be out done, my youngest did a performance piece entitled: lying on the floor of the art show and refusing to get up
I wanna know why it’s embarrassing for me to talk to my kid when he’s gaming. Like bro, they know you don’t live alone.
Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one
First date
Him: What do you do?
Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]
“I’m a model.”
[sermon]
There will come a day when Christ will drive out evil from our land, and it will be the Judgment Day!
*T-1000 shifts nervously*
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.