Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
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{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.
[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
May I borrow a cup of sleep?
Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?
Sometimes when I get a retweet… I blow on my phone, twirl it and slide it into my belt holster, then ride off into the sunset like a dork.
Husband: “Lost my keys again.”
Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”
Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.Everyone: *gasp*
Me: Just kidding you all are.
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
I saw a little field mouse while out on a 10k this evening. We regarded each other for a moment and I was struck by the sheer beauty of having an excuse to casually drop I logged a 10k this evening.
Mmmm. Shoeshi
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.
Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.
Hit me in the face with a bird
the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.
the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵
*burglar breaks in*
*i reach into my nightstand drawer, get my phone, & take his picture*
Burglar: No I have a double chin!
Me: I’ll post it
If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.
her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?
me: I’ll just call the pizza guy
her: ok
[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagname: love it
Trump: 🎶 Do you wanna build a snowman? 🎶
Elsa: Who will pay for this snowman?
Trump: 🎶 Ok byeee 🎶