centaur: I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
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[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”
5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies
Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
(first day as a bartender)
customer: fifth of scotch.
me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.
ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking
EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this?
Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.
CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow
SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever
CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?
Dating:
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”Marriage:
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…
Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
Today is the day I write something beautifully profound
No. That was it. I’m going back to bed
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
*at Wal-Mart*
Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle
Me: It’s not us this time
*we fist bump*
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
Her: How was your day? GET OUT OF THE SHOWER!
Me: Pretty good, yours?
Her: I’ve had better, had worse too. WHY AREN’T YOU OUT YET?
Me: Same, same. LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER AND GET OUT THE SHOWER! Wanna order pizza tonight?
My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.
Am I having a stroke?
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor