CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse
MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull
PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.
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They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.
[Creation]
God: “Give them hair up their nose”
Angel: “Hair? But why?”
God: “To catch their snot”
Angel: “Snot?”
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
{First Day at FedEx}
me: tosses crystal vase onto wrong porch from 30 ft away
manager: wow you’re a natural
Imagine seeing the most perfect creature walking towards you. They stop. You look deep into their eyes, heart pounding with deep compassion. Your fingers tremble yearning to caress them.
And then you hear those words…
“He’s a service dog. You can’t pet him.”
*using intercom*
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO POTLUCK?!funeral director- shh this is a funeral!!
*using intercom*
I whisper – “what do you mean there’s no potluck?”
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person
I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
Can’t wait until my wife hears that someone tried to throw a wood-mounted singing largemouth bass in the garbage because it ran out of batteries
My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
Flex on strangers by asking them if they remember you.
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
Oh! He barehanded that ball. Can you believe the athleticism?
– Baseball commentatorPfft. Amateur.
– Every parent who’s caught their kid’s barf in their hand
Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
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It’s Dublin.
did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?
I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.
Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive