Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG
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Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm
There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours
My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time
More foods should have boats, why should gravy have all the fun?
I need this for my side hustle.
Morpheus: Take the blue pill, story ends
Neo:
Morpheus: Red pill, stay in wonderland
Neo:
Morpheus: Green pill, you learn to juggle
Neo: What-
Morpheus: This purple one is a skittle
Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.
I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot
Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders
The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.
License and registration please.
“Bears.”
Excuse me?
“Beaaaaars.”
Are you drunk sir?
“BEAAAARS!”
Stop saying bea-
*cop is mauled by bears*
When Bryan Adams sang ‘Baby, you’re all that I want…when you’re lying here in my arms…” I bet he was talking about brisket.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me
My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.
In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.
God: you have terrible eyesight.
Bat: oh no.
God: don’t worry I’ve got a pretty great solution for you.
Bat: sweet!
God: you scream, fly in that direction while you try not to crash into a wall.
Bat:
God:
Bat: I thought you were gonna say glasses or something.
Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.
If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor
If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
Interview Tip #17
be polite and maintain eye contact
[later]
Interviewer: hello
Me: *staring intensely* yes please
Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.
Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.
doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!
me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air
I think this is my favorite scene in a movie