centipede: *trips*
*but for like, an hour*
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Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!
Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield’s, I’d probably shit my pants.
Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.
If snakes were wide
FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
When I awoke this morning my husband lovingly walked toward me, bent down, kissed the dog on the forehead and whispered, “I won’t be long” then left in case you want to know what a rockin’ hot marriage is like
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.
Apparently trying to edit the family cookbook to include ‘minced feelings’ at the end of every recipe’s ingredients list is “not okay” and I need to “seriously cut it out”.
Buying a house is like “we have no way of knowing you’ll pay back this mortgage of £500 a month”
“I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
“Why can’t you save up £25000 to reassure us you can afford £500”
“Because I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
My grandmother’s secret ingredient?
Cigarette ashes
Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.
Son: *picks up backpack* I’m off!
Me: Where are you going?
Son: The bathroom. I hear it’s great this time of year. Been planning this trip for minutes.
[later]
Me: How was your trip?
Son: Highly recommend it. Good to get away for a while.
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
I dated a computer hacker last year. He made me promise that I wouldn’t share this information because he said that hackers don’t want people to know this… but if you turn the brightness on your monitor down & browse the internet, then you are technically surfing the dark web.
Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?
The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with
Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.
I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*