CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight
You Might Also Like
Omg. Why do I always look terrible when I leave the house.
*stays in bed until 4 minutes before I’m supposed to leave*
[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am
I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.
When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.
My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.
priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”
He’s cranky this morning
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
Government Shutdown: Day 13
Anthony Weiner decides to help.
He takes a photo.
He tweets.
Congress now sees where balls are located.
I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking.
Or help them move.
[at restaurant]
Me: What’s under all that garnish?
Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot
Me: Am I the only one you’ve ever slept with?
Wife: Absolutely… the others were at least sevens and there was a TEN OMG!
Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid
5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!
I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
Friend: “This is the year I’m going to marry my best friend.”
Me: “This is the year I’m going to train my dog to come when I call him.”
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?
Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at my shirt pocket where a mouse pointing a gun at me is sitting]: cheese
cat vs inanimate object
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.