CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.
me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?
CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free
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My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.
Meanwhile, at the bar:
Batman: “Whisky.”
Aquaman: “Appletini.”
“WHAT?”
“It’s vodka, apple schnapps…”
“You’re off the Justice League.”
My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa
When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.
My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
If Jehovah’s witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.
Researchers have found why bears hibernate. “They’re sad due to a break up” said one. “It’s been a year Brent. Move on. I have” said another
Saint West, the patron of selfies
[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.
6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*aaaaaaand scene
Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
date: wow nice body
me: i like working out
date: it shows
me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho
Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions
Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?
me: hi my name is matt and i’m an alcoholic
AAA: sir this is triple A
me: i know i’m explaining why my car’s in the lake
Daughter: what does biography mean?
Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.
[later at movie night]
Wife: let’s watch Cars.
Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.
when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting
Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand
I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.
Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad
*Takes drive down memory lane
*Gets a DUI
“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*
Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?
Date: no I meant
Me: but the left lung only has two!
Date: not like th— wait, really?
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg