Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him

Therapist: Not a bad thing

Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan

Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?

I dated a computer hacker last year. He made me promise that I wouldn’t share this information because he said that hackers don’t want people to know this… but if you turn the brightness on your monitor down & browse the internet, then you are technically surfing the dark web.

is this a threat

But I really needed water water water

*tries hard*

*fails*

*tries flaccid*

Brilliant!

I wish that I had the confidence of my 12 year old who is staring me down as he eats the last ice cream cone that I had hidden in the freezer.

My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.

My son, in the restaurant: “Mom! If you don’t stop dancing to Despacito I’m literally going to drink and drive, and I don’t have a license yet.”

*gets on 1 knee*

Me: I know we haven’t known each other for a long time, but will you marry me?

Her: Please get off my knee

A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.

[zombie movie set]

Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”

*actors look around confused as heck*

I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.

I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.

Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.

I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.

Warm pools make me nervous.

FRIEND: let’s hang out

ME: *takes out my accordion*

ENEMY: I changed my mind

I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t

We’re going to have 27 people over for Thanksgiving this year. I’m going to earn a little extra money by setting up a paywall on my Wi-Fi.

[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi

I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.

I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.

Ate.

Me: *turns on game
Wife: *turns on vacuum
Me: *turns volume to max
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Wife: *runs vacuum slowly in front of television

I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.

*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*

Put it all on Grey

Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.

#PoetryDay

Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday

Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal

Dad: (just bawling)

How to unravel a sweater…

A thread 🧵