Cereal. Check.
Milk. Check.
Bread. Check.
Fruit. Check.
Salad. Check.
Wow, the looks I am getting! Guess I could have paid w/ 1 check.
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Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.
Him: Hypnotist?
Me: Oh hip noticed alright.
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
Internet Explorer: so about last night
Me: Oh, i used you for flash.
IE: Are we back together, am i your default?
Me: don’t make this weird
sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.
gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope
Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars
A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.
When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.
6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.
Dog: I don’t get it
Me: What don’t you get?
Dog: Just go over it again
Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food
Dog: *tilts head* What?
my grandma just asked me if i had a boyfriend and i was like “no” and she was like “well i went to a random funeral because i was bored and that’s how i met your grandfather” ??????
Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.
Skywritten letters:
SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR
My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.
Cats’ have an underdeveloped pre-frontal cortex, meaning they lack almost any ability to plan ahead, which explains why they’re so bad at chess
181.
[dinner at my parents’]
my gf: thank you for having me
me: they’re not your parents weirdo
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.
Good cop: you want coffee?
Bad cop: where did you hide the money?
Cop that freelances for BuzzFeed: answer these questions to find out what type of criminal you are
Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
Walking by the lingerie section
Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.
Me: Uh huh.
Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.
Do you want to taunt a snowman?
Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back
Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber