(Cereal Mascot Support Meeting)
TRIX BUNNY: I don’t understand why I can’t have any of the cereal.
LUCKY CHARMS LEPRECHAUN: I don’t understand why these kids keep stealing mine.
FREDDY KREUGER: I think I’ve wandered into the wrong group, but have any of you thought about murder?
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A man of commitment.
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.
9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*
Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please
[leaving Hooters]
Wife: you thought there’d be owls
Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous
“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her
Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.
Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??
[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”
Me as a kid: Willy Wonka is SO cool!
Me as a mom: WHOA! Ease up on the sugar there, Dude!
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight.” — The Swiss Army
Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.
ME (drunkenly picking a fight with a cake): get out my face you jerk
CAKE: hey pal you wanna piece of me?!?
ME: ok wow now I’m conflicted
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
Wizard: Give me a burger
Waiter: what’s the magic word?
Wizard: Abracadabra
Waiter: *now a hamster* I meant please, but ok
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.
*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*
Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]
Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]
Signatures are so unserious, just “pinky promise” for adults… write your name in a silly little way on this very important piece of paper so we that we can send you to jail if you do anything wrong
Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!
Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.