Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves
But I don’t like to point fingers
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when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die
my fav brides on Say Yes To The Dress are the ones who come in wanting a specific dress but don’t call ahead to see if it’s in stock and are like sooo shocked it’s not there. Baby!!! it’s your wedding dress!!! I’ve called bakeries to make sure they have a cinnamon roll in stock
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
I keep having this dream where an old, floating man with a giant, white beard is commanding me to build a giant hazmat suit, big enough to contain my entire family and two of every animal of the world. Wierd, I know!
[Darth Vader sitting down]
DV: *takes sip of smoothie before spitting it out* What’s this?!? I said strawberry-banana!
Aid: We thought you might want to try kale again for your health my Lord
DV: You thought?
*begins force choking*
You have kale’d me for the last time
He told me I was too pretty not to smile.
So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.
Now I’m smiling.
This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for reenacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe stop playing “Unchained Melody” on the loud speaker and we won’t keep having this problem
my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.
Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*
This is a true ally.
[jogging]
brain: let’s talk shall we
me: ok
brain: are we being chased
me: no
brain: are we chasing something
me: no
brain: so wtf are we doing then
heart & lungs: we also have questions
[holds up egg]
This is your brain[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs[adds pepper]
Needed pepper[eats egg]
Mmm brains
My what?
[Therapist appt.]
Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.
*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”
I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
I was kicked out of mime school once. I hadn’t put the safety lock on and my finger guns went off. The whole class took cover in their boxes
When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee
A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.