Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.
Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.
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Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
Panera VP of Marketing: Our sales have gone up 41% since our lemonade killed two people.
CEO: Dang it. That means-
Panera VP of Marketing: Yes, we have to put a gun inside our buffalo chicken melt.
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
doctor: you’ve been bitten by a radioactive shark
me: so i’m gonna get shark powers right
doctor: you no longer have legs
me: just like a shark
Taco Bell, Exit 22
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.
Our new neighbours came over with an email and phone number because they’re leaving their teenage son home alone for a few days.
I told them not to worry.
I’ve seen The Graduate and he’s in good hands.
Sealed it with my super genuine slow wink.Anyways, making friends is hard.
Him: *seeing my apartment for the first time* I see you鈥檙e kind of a minimalist
Me: yes that is correct, I am very poor
Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor
JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE
Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It鈥檚 my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.
I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.
“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]
Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America
There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.馃槩
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.
[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie
No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.
Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.
Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no
Me: it鈥檚 hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete
Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
Me: *my toddler might eat this healthy food if he can dip it in ketchup*
Toddler: *eats the ketchup by itself*
I have a condition where if I don鈥檛 walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I鈥檓 like the bus in Speed
Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.
First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.