[After my death]
WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband
*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*
WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
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How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!
when revenge coincides with naptime
On this edition of House Hunters: He rides the back of trash truck, she’s a nail tech. Their budget is $15M.
Let’s see what they can do!
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island
One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”
“How are your resurrecting skills?”
I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
BRO [jumping into car]: GO
ME: it’s lunch, not a bank heist
B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag
M: OMG I’m too pretty for jail