@ArfMeasures [After my death]
WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband
*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*
WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!
@DanMentos *chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
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@ArfMeasures 
@FormerHumorist How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
@Tommytoughstuff *Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!
@English_Channel when revenge coincides with naptime
@patnspankme On this edition of House Hunters: He rides the back of trash truck, she’s a nail tech. Their budget is $15M.
Let’s see what they can do!
@TheAlexP [at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island
@aparnapkin One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
@Kris_Florio “I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”
“How are your resurrecting skills?”
@PanettaSexyTime I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
@BadJordon [Arby’s]
BRO [jumping into car]: GO
ME: it’s lunch, not a bank heist
B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag
M: OMG I’m too pretty for jail