Chairman: I’d like everyone to go over what they chose as their mascots.
Burger King: A king.
Wendy’s: A joyous child.
Mcdonald’s: I didn’t know we- um, a clown? Like a big nasty clown.
Chairman:
Mcdonald’s: A big nugget. Maybe purple. No wait how about a moist little thief?
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“Are you sure you want to close 58 tabs?” no I’m not sure what if I need this tracking information for a package that was delivered last week
Gonna spend the day staring at the Sun. Eclipse practice.
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}
PUPPET: Stop you’re killing him!
CIA AGENT: Get me more water!
The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.
Them: You have a debt to society
Me: Well they can get in line
So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again
It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital
13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad
When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days
Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”
Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”
She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.
Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…
Ooooooh.
If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?
Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included
Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.
I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.
Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”
oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head
witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
“on your left u see fred in camo, on your right is bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart.” If walmart had tour guides.
No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.
How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.