Chairs are pretty great.
You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.
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20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels
…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.
Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.
Me: You recognize this man?
*slides photo*
Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.
Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.
My 4 y/o doesn’t realize that things in life have happened before his existence. I bet this is what life is like for Kanye. Let’s be gentle.
Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.
3: mom I did a jump
Me: it was great
3: mom I did a jump
M: you did
3: mom I did a
M: jump yes
3: mom I did a
M: [jumps out window] me too
Bought a shirt in the UK. Care instructions say “iron whilst damp.”
I still have no idea when to iron that thing.
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
Roommate stood in line at midnight to get the new Grand Theft Auto. While he was waiting, someone stole his car. Irony is the best game!
Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??
That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes
I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’
Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
Please don’t ride with me if you’re gonna grab the dash or scream every time I hit a curb.
You’ll make me nervous.
[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
-You’re gonna love our date at that place where treasures may be hidden
-Wait..will it be romantic?
-..
-I told you 100 times, you can’t trick me into going to the garbage dump again
I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.
I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.
Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?
Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system
I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that
Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop
13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!
Me: What?
13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.
Me:
13: Oh wait, that’s French.
Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
B: No
J: Fired?
B: No
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit
“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
SHES LITERALLY A BANANA
Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA?
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily
If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you