[chamber of commerce]
harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn
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Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.
Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?
Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…
The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.
I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.
In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.
I have many caverns
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate
Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
Netflix: are you still watching
Alexa: yeah he’s here
Me: 😳
IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.
I hate how early it gets dark now.
Alaska: LOL
Saying “oh my gosh you’re getting so big!” is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.
The only thing I know ab AI is it desperately wants us to have more fingers
for all its faults Twitter is still one of the best places to provide that unbeatable feeling: learning of someone’s existence for the first time and immediately wishing death upon them
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.
Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.
[my funeral]
priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*
wife: *turns to my mom*
mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.
[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they sayME: That’s interesting
HOT GIRL: No it isn’t
[harry potter at an interview]
interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes
harry: that’s correct, sir
interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow
My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood
It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser