@lukejarret

[chamber of commerce]

harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn

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@lacybronze1

I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial

@ceejoyner

If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.

@Kirangandhi

Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set

@JoleenDoreen

When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.

@theDanLawler

Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.

@causticbob

I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.

When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.

@PoodleSnarf

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?

Cop:

Me:

Cop: Speeding

Me: Oh phew!

@liberalcannon

My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.