Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
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Kid: Will you be mad if I said the “s” word?
Me: Do you mean “shit?”
Kid: Yeah, that one.
Me: Depends how you said it.
Kid: Well, I accidentally told our dog to “shit” instead of “sit.”
Me: (chuckles) No baby, I’m not mad.
Kid: Well, I did it 7 times.
[Clown College]
Teacher: Ok so balloon animals are pretty simple, you ju-
Pennywise: *raising hand*
Teacher: Any questions that are NOT about eating children?
Pennywise: *sadly putting hand down*
I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant
Kid: I want pancakes.
Dad: Me too. Go wake up your mom.
Kid: Nice try. Do I look stupid to you?
Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.
Wolverine: [more mad than usual] I woke up today ON THE ROOF
Prof. X: [glares at Magneto]
Magneto: OH SURE IMMEDIATELY BLAME ME
Therapist: How do you feel?
Me: With my hands.
T: Do you deflect a lot?
Me: Only sharp objects. If it’s fluffy, I just let it hit me.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: You’ve already written no
Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess
Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess
RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed
The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.
Don’t leave me hanging, Larry
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
I have a video appointment with my doctor.
I’m going to hang a photo of an empty examination room in front of the webcam and show up fifteen minutes late so he can experience what I normally go through.
I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.
Get off my horse you stupid moon
oh sorry i cant im busy that day
Bae: come over.
Me: I’m doing the podcast.
Bae: come over.
Me: nah, I’m doin the podcast.
Bae: my parents are out.
Me: they can download it.
My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
Explaining Jewish things to non-Jewish people makes you sound like you’re losing your mind. My little brother is getting married soon & had his “aufruf” & I repeated the word six times before being asked by my friend if I was barking at them.
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.
Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”
It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.
Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!