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Fight fire with water. Idiots.
Them: you shouldn’t drink so much caffeine it’s bad for you
Me: I shouldn’t have to work this much to afford my rent either but here we are
Des Moines Police having a normal one
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
CANADA WATCHING US NEWS
Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition
How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.
Me: why did Dexter from Dexter’s lab have a French accent?
Professor: I meant science questions
Me: my bad. Scientifically, why did Dexter have a French accent?
I had a medical student join me on NICU recently and they asked me if they’d be able to take any patient histories.
I mean if they’d have managed to take any histories from any of the nicu babies I would have been seriously impressed.
More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.
Once a guy came to our door with an educational book-selling MLM. He tried to get my husband by asking “do you even know why a flamingo is pink?” And I guess the guy hadn’t anticipated running into a man raised on zoboomafoo because he walked away defeated.
I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”
Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me
Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.
best friend: the recording guy for our wedding cancelled on us
me: I can do it
best friend: thanks man!
[after the wedding]
best friend: *visibly angry* all you did was play that stupid flute the whole time
me: actually it’s a recorder
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
Oh I’m heartbroken over you
Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine
I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.
“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
I didn’t say you’re dumber than rocks I said you’re dumber than A rock. That’s an important distinction because if you put enough of the right kinds of rocks together and heat them you can make a computer.
If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.
You can’t take away snow days and make them remote learning days. Snow days aren’t about learning. If god wanted the children to learn, he wouldn’t have made it snow.
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…
[At a bar]
Guy: Did it hurt?
Me: What?
G: When you fell walking in. I saw you fall on your face. Everyone saw.
As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one