Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
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Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine
Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough
Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.
Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
Tell her “I love your eyes. They sparkle like emeralds. I’d love to see them every day”
Perhaps whisper the “in a jar beside my bed” part though
Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.
Dyslexics are teople poo!
so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.
Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.
I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little ‘present’ on my lawn
GUY: Huh?
ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?
The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.
the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account
There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler
That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
Hubs: I think we should buy a new camper.
Me: What’s the matter with you? You’re just gonna say that right in front of my phone?
*Facebook timeline turns into solid camper ads*
Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.
Well, not on my watch.
Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
No, you can’t have candy for breakfast. Don’t be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.
My neighbor told me coyotes keep eating his outdoor cats so I asked how many cats he has and he said he just goes to the shelter and gets a new cat afterwards so I said it sounds like he’s just feeding shelter cats to coyotes and then his daughter started crying.
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
Fiction has to make sense.
Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don’t push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he’s lived at.
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
[at train station]
Cashier: May I help you?
Me (thumbing through a wad of Monopoly money): Yeah, I’d like to buy this place