Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
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If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.
Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents
me: please Bob. I’m sorry
Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.
Definitely less than a hundred.
Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
Ian: It’s done.
Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice?
I: What?
MB: Like a restaurant.
I: I killed him.
MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!
How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:
1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die
I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”
daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?
“I dunno, time travel”
time travel isn’t real
“neither is Santa, go to bed”
Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.
I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.
[telling Florida friend about the Amish corn I got at the farmers market]
Friend: I wish I could get some!
Me: I’ll send you some!
[envisioning a scenario where somehow that’s illegal and I’m arrested for interstate corn trafficking]
*30 minutes later*
Me: darn sold out 🙁
Happy weekend !
Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
My 5yo wrote the ABCs up and down his leg in permanent marker, it’s pretty much a kindergarten tattoo
worst things about halloween as an adult:
– things are even scarier than usual
– people knock on your door
– you have less candy afterwards
I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”
For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.
I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman
My computer: hey friend, I’ve only got 55 minutes left on my battery
My computer two minutes later: LMAO!! *dies*