Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
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I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.
bank transfers when they’re taking money out of your account: haha yeah we can do this at the speed of light now. w/e its cool
bank transfers when they’re putting money in your account: hold on there pardner. we have to load this check on a pony and ride it across texas first
When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you
Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.
What?!?
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead Linda
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
[astronaut test]
Before you begin, questions?
[hand raised]
“Is it true the moon is cheese?”
Are you that damn mouse again?
[mouse runs out]
English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes
Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.
“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?
Me: Bed Bath & Beyond
Wife: You used a coupon right?
Me: Coupon?
*wife faints*
Check out this image, then fill in the blank:
“All these two cared about was ____________”Finish the sentence here:
📷: elevasseur
I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*
Co-worker:
Me: Forever young!
Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.
Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.
Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug
[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]
Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.
First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.
If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows
“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.
I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.