Wife: Are you gonna wear that to the cookout?
*reaches under mesh shirt*
*takes off nipple ring*
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
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Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.
ME: *plummeting to earth* I’VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE INTENDED UTILITY OF PARACHUTE PANTS
[Giraffes at gym]
“What do you want to work on today?”
Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.
“So…neck day again”
Wife: [eyes glinting] Kids are at mums tonight, know what that means?
M: Cool! You get the popcorn, I’ll break out the ‘Sopranos’ boxset!
Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
Has science gone too far?
If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!