@BurhanHafeez1

Change is always hard….

Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.

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@UncleBob56

It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.

@lawyerthoughts

I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.

@rad_milk

if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up

@simoncholland

I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.

@mrjohndarby

Interviewer: So you say you think you’d make a good addition here at our aquarium. Can you expand on that?

Puffer fish: Yes. Yes I can

@HousewifeOfHell

…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.

@LittleMissZesty

When will someone invent an alarm that wakes you up by stroking your hair or kissing your neck or making pancakes instead of yelling at you?