@BurhanHafeez1

Change is always hard….

Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.

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@squirrel74wkgn

Wife: Are you gonna wear that to the cookout?

Oh…

*reaches under mesh shirt*
*takes off nipple ring*

Better?

@YoungNobler

Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.

@truegritrumble

ME: *plummeting to earth* I’VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE INTENDED UTILITY OF PARACHUTE PANTS

@DirtMcTurd

[Giraffes at gym]

“What do you want to work on today?”

Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.

“So…neck day again”

You bet

@Gupton68

Wife: [eyes glinting] Kids are at mums tonight, know what that means?

Me:

W:

M: Cool! You get the popcorn, I’ll break out the ‘Sopranos’ boxset!

@junejuly12

A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.

I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.

@patrickoriley

It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.

@RealDMK

If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!