Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.
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I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing
Wife: this is how monsters are made
Me: [stuffing the turkey with gummy vitamins] we are going to be healthy af.
Every relationship needs boundaries…
….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.
if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
[slashing food truck tires]
friend: wtf are you doing?!
[running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!
barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers
She was rare, like a goth carolling.
I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.
Who.
Did.
This?
Wife: Is he called Batman because he flies at night?
Me: Kinda. But mainly a traumatic childhood bat thing
Wife: So Spiderman had a traumatic spider thing?
Me: No. Bitten by a radioactive spider
Wife: So is Antman childhood trauma or radioactive bite?
Me: No
I went with 4 to the supermarket and she insisted on pushing the trolley. Every time I went to help she yelled at me so I’d just like to apologise to the 382 people she injured while we were there
Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.
Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.
My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can’t believe he has to grow up with me twice.
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.
4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
Trying
“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”
Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help
“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”
My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
Life is a suicide mission.
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it