#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane
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Developer: We have a problem.
Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.
Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.
A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.
[Did you mean “digger”?]
Put the is in disheveled
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
Waking up in my 20s: shoot I have a pimple
Waking up in my 30s: shoot I have unresolved trauma in my lower back
When people ask me why I’m wheelchair bound, it sounds like a prison sentence. I want to say “I forgot to return a library book.”
I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don’t mention it.
[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure
I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
going to therapy when I’m having a good mental health day stresses me out because what if the therapist is like you seem fine go home I never wanna see you again
no caffeine: day 6
-sleeping better
-stable moods
-less anxious
-can’t think straight
-i’m exhausted
-3 people are dead
I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 😌💭
Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
parties in 2004: I hope I don’t get drunk and tell mindy I like her
parties in 2017: I hope this beer company doesn’t support genocide
How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?
I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.
Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.
any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
early stone age tool
Did you come from a “never take medicine for any reason whatsoever” family or a “you might get a headache today, take 12 advil” family
Me: Ugh HBO is so annoying only releasing one episode at a time so I have to wait a whole week for the next one.
Also me: Ugh Netflix is so annoying releasing the entire series at once so I finish it in 2 days and have nothing to look forward to.
doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?
me: uhhh *looking around room* mop
doctor: it can be whatever you want
me: stegosaurus
doctor: hell yeah there we go
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
Can’t believe anyone would attack this place
There are two rules in life:
1. Never tell anyone everything.